In typical ‘90s kid fashion, I grew up keeping a diary of my deepest thoughts, fears, and dreams. And, in continuing that millennial stereotype, I also grew up with the nagging fear that my parents would one day invade my privacy and read my diary.

Now, as an adult and parent myself, my thoughts on the matter aren’t so cut and dry. If my kid wasn’t speaking to me, and I worried something was going on, would I go to the most honest source of information? And, of course, technology has kicked out the idea of a diary entirely, with the issue now going digital.

According to a Stanford Medicine study, researchers found that the average age at which children receive their first phone is a little over 11 years old, with the number rising steadily through 12 1/2, when more than half of those children had gotten a phone. And with that phone usage comes a dilemma for parents — is it ever OK to read your child’s text messages?

The answer isn’t a straightforward yes or no. Age, circumstances, and other factors weigh heavily when it comes to making this decision. We spoke with two experts on adolescent mental health on exactly what parents need to consider in such a scenario.

Situations Where It May Be Necessary

The majority of parents want to respect their child’s privacy, but are there ever any situations that may require stepping over that boundary? According to both experts I spoke to, the answer is yes.

Consider the Age

Erika Bent is a licensed therapist at Cypress Wellness Collective, and she spoke to two circumstances where breaking that privacy can be a necessity. The first is when they are very young, or just getting a phone. “In the same way that parents will vet friends and their friend’s parents before allowing a sleepover, it’s reasonable to do this same vetting on a technology platform,” Bent shared. “At a certain age, like 13 years and older, the need for independence becomes more important, and parents should respect their teen’s need for privacy.”

Dr. Catherine Nobile, a psychologist and director of Nobile Psychology, agreed. “For younger children, particularly those under twelve, parents may find it necessary to oversee their communications to safeguard them from online risks like cyberbullying, inappropriate material, or harmful interactions,” Nobile said. “At this stage, the goal is often to provide guidance and ensure their online safety.”

Fear of a Serious Concern

Additionally, looking into what your child is saying on their phone to friends may be necessary if a parent has a serious concern, such as depression or bullying. In those cases, Bent shared, “If breaking a child’s privacy gets them life-saving support, then it can be a necessary but difficult parenting decision. This can understandably cause a significant relationship rupture, so parents should approach these kinds of breaches of privacy carefully.”

Nobile echoed this reasoning, sharing that reviewing their messages may be justified if there are concerns about safety or troubling behavior. However, she recommends approaching this situation thoughtfully. “Discuss openly why you believe it’s necessary to check their messages and involve them in discussions about privacy and security,” Nobile explained. “Finding a balance between respecting their privacy and fulfilling your parental responsibilities involves maintaining trust and fostering an atmosphere of mutual respect.”

The Downside of Reading Your Kids’ Text Messages

While there may be circumstances where looking in on what your child is doing on their phone is necessary, you need to also make yourself aware of the potential effects it could have on your relationship.

The main one is a breach of privacy, which can have a negative impact on their trust in you. Additionally, it can stifle a child’s ability to build their own independence. “While children separate from their parents, parents need to embrace the new normal and let go of being so involved,” Bent explained. “If parents are reading texts because they’re struggling with the transition to increased autonomy, then reading their child’s texts is more self-serving and not in the best interest of their child.”

Instead of constant surveillance of their activities, Nobile recommends fostering an “environment of open dialogue,” where you can set clear boundaries. “Encouraging them to share their concerns or issues with you helps build trust and allows for guidance without invasive monitoring,” said Nobile.

Creating Healthy Boundaries From the Start

Perhaps the most beneficial thing that parents can do when their kid first begins using a phone is to create healthy boundaries from the very beginning. For example, if a younger child gets a cell phone, Bent believes it’s reasonable for parents to have access to see what they’re texting and engaging with on the device.

However, this should be clearly outlined from the start. “Parents should let their children know that they’re supervising their activities and texts so there are no surprises,” Bent shared. “Importantly, parents should explain why this is important and how they will support their children in learning healthy skills and boundaries when communicating on devices.”

Nobile also shared the importance of clarifying the rules of cell phone usage from the beginning. She explained that setting expectations could help avoid potential misunderstandings but also “establishes transparency about digital communication practices.” According to her, having guidelines can help you both to “foster a clear understanding of the balance between privacy and parental supervision, and you give your child a chance to voice any concerns while emphasizing the importance of open and honest communication.”