We start out with the best intentions as we wrap up the turkey leftovers and look to the next holidays. This is the year we are going to be calm, relaxed, and present. This is the year we won’t stress about family drama, delay wrapping presents until Dec. 24, and actually get one picture with everyone dressed up and looking the same direction.

And then, like every year before it, a kid gets sick an hour ahead of your holiday party. Money gets tight, and we get worried about having a magical enough morning under the tree. Or we find ourselves shaking our heads at just how “merry and bright” we are supposed to be feeling when we just want a damn nap — not just the day after, but well into January. In 2023, the American Heart Association released a survey that found that a quarter of moms surveyed reported it took them a month or longer to recover from the holidays. The survey also found that 71% of respondents said that they regretted not enjoying the season or taking the time to relax.

But how can we? It seems the entire season’s magic comes straight from our planning, good moods, organization, and fun-making. According to a C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital (University of Michigan Children’s Health) report, twice as many mothers reported feeling higher levels of holiday stress than fathers.

So, is it even possible? Can we have that calm, joyful holiday we’ve been wishing for since we were kids ourselves? Here’s what experts and real moms say about seeking that peace — and what it would really take for mom to enjoy the holidays.

Zero plans

“As a busy mom and a workaholic, I want moments with zero plans. Moments where my teens are home and we are all together, watching a Christmas movie and playing board games. I want them to love it too,” says Rae Lynn Payton, a parent, educator, writer, and blogger. She is working on “being OK” with declining outside invites and last-minute plans.

Grace and space

“The two gifts moms need this holiday season are ‘grace’ and ‘space’. We need to give ourselves the grace not to do all the things — not to decorate or run to a zillion holiday parties, in an attempt to create holiday core memories for our kids, and instead, give them the gift of presence,” says Dr. Robyn Koslowitz, clinical child psychologist and author. “We need to give ourselves ‘space’ in terms of boundaries — especially those of us who have a traumatic past and complicated families of origin.”

Relatives’ understanding

“Parents need the other people in their lives to give them a break,” says Dawn Friedman, parent educator and clinical counselor. “Grandparents can think back to how stressful the holidays used to be for them and can think about how to dial back their expectations. Do they remember what it was like to try to keep a toddler entertained during a long sit-down dinner full of unfamiliar food? Do they remember how annoyed they were when people bought their kids the noisiest, flashiest, most annoying toys instead of the winter boots the family actually needed?” She recommends grandparents and relatives offering to babysit so parents can shop without kids, or so they can wrap presents in peace and privacy.

“If there’s more than one set of grandparents or extended family, have grace if this year you’re not at the top of the list. There’s no rule that says you have to celebrate the holiday on the actual holiday,” she says, joking that turkey tastes good on Valentine’s Day, too.

Reconnecting with their partners

Part of holiday magic is not just about kids, but in parents’ ability to reconnect after a busy year too. Amy Johnson, content creator and mother of two, shares her wishlist:

“I would like:

1. A break
2. A date night
3. Some pampering from my husband (rub my feet, massage my back)
4. A surprise gift

With two under three, a full-time job, and a side business, the holidays are more like a third job than a relaxing time for this Cleveland mommy.”

Freedom to ask for help — guilt-free

You might not be used to asking for help, but it’s important to remember that it’s OK to do so.

“It can also be hard to ask for exactly what you need,” acknowledges Dr. Janna Koretz, a psychologist. “Even if it is silly or you feel weird asking for help, do it anyway. The more specific you can get, the more likely it is that the other person will carry the task out quickly and correctly. For example, saying something like ‘go to Target and pick out some gifts for the kids’ is too vague. Instead, say the details you would be paying attention to if it was you. ‘Please get four gifts for each of the kids; one of them should be a book. Don’t spend over $50 for each, and make sure it is something they don’t already have.’ While some of these details seem implied, they aren’t for everyone.”

Time for what matters most during the season — including herself.

In a culture where social media drives doing all the things, moms need time to prioritize what’s important to them and their families this season — and not what an influencer might suggest.

“More than anything else, moms need time,” says Dr. Constance Scharff, founder and director of The Human Resilience Project and mental health researcher. “That means prioritizing self first. If you regularly don’t have time to eat properly, rest, bathe, or exercise, you will not have the energy or internal resources to support your family. Put time for yourself into your schedule and place other activities around it. This will mean saying no. That’s OK. The more you do, the easier it will be. Making time for what matters means identifying your priorities. If what matters most to you during the holidays is baking cookies with your children, like you did with your grandmother, schedule that first. The other opportunities can be rejected. Rather than trying to cram everything into the day, focus on what you want to enjoy.”

Ena Cardona-Mason, a family nurse practitioner, agrees. “Taking moments to connect with mindfulness or spirituality, whether through prayer, meditation, or quiet reflection, can provide a sense of grounding amidst the holiday chaos,” says Cardona-Mason. “Try to connect to the happy ‘whys’ behind the season, like your smiling family, the beauty of a snowflake, or your favorite winter scents (mmmm, fir-tree-scented candles!). Remember, a joyful season starts with taking care of yourself too!”

As the saying goes, the best things in life can’t be bought — so let’s stop trying so damn hard for perfect holidays.