The day I found out my first baby was a girl, I was delighted. I think part of me just knew she was a girl, and the thought of raising a daughter didn’t scare me at all. I had two more daughters after her, and when everyone spent their time making jokes at the horror of raising multiple daughters (not funny, actually), I was learning that the real fear is raising an eldest daughter.
OK, maybe “fear” isn’t the right word — but there’s definitely something to consider when you’re raising an eldest daughter. Whether you have a son older than her or she’s the eldest of all the things, there’s a stereotype on this birth order and sex for a reason. “Eldest daughters are often brought up as the responsible, older siblings. It’s unfair to say, but boys often get a pass. Society has built it so boys can be the ones who mess up and make mistakes, but girls are expected to handle everything well. We start it when they’re very young. How many times have you heard that girls mature faster than boys?” Deborah Johnson, a middle school guidance counselor in Georgia, tells Scary Mommy. “It’s sort of the same thing as a ‘middle child syndrome.’ It’s not a real diagnosis, but it’s something we’ve created with stereotypes and our own parenting styles.”
The parenting style thing is key here. For so many of us, our firstborns are the rule-followers, regardless of their gender. They’re the ones we don’t have to worry about, the ones we can trust to be home alone… but they’re also often the ones with anxiety. A study conducted by Epic Research found that oldest siblings are 48% more likely to experience anxiety than their younger siblings. Is it from our own anxious moments as first-time parents? Is it because we put too much on them? Is it because we try to instill in them a sense of maturity and responsibility because they’re the oldest?
And how can we keep our eldest daughters from feeling all this stress? Johnson has a few ideas, and it starts right at home: “Make sure your eldest daughters know that they are not responsible for the family. It’s OK for them to fret and it’s OK for them to be concerned, but they need to know that you are the grown-up, you are the parent, and they don’t need to stress themselves out about things you’re handling. That’s your job; their job is to be a happy kid,” she says.
So, grab a few favorite affirmations and lean into sharing these sayings with your eldest daughter every day. You’re not doing anything wrong, and neither is she — sometimes, you’ve just got to face the stereotypes together.
“It’s OK to worry.”
One of the major stereotypes of eldest daughters is that they often feel like they have to make sure everyone’s OK. They worry about their siblings, their parents, the household — and it often means they’re worrying so much that they’re missing out on being a kid. “All I wanted as a kid was to have my worries validated,” Jamie Roberts, a 41-year-old eldest daughter, tells Scary Mommy. “I know now that some of it was just worrying for worrying sake, but shutting down my worries and telling me to stop didn’t help.”
So, remind your eldest daughters that it’s OK to worry, that there’s nothing wrong with worrying, but finding coping skills to help them live their own lives without constant hand-wringing is essential.
“You matter.”
Personally, I feel like we should be saying this to every child every day, but Johnson tells me that eldest children often feel pushed to the side for younger siblings, and not always in a “neglected” way. “Sometimes they just know and understand the dynamics of a big family and get that it’s just not their turn to have Mom or Dad right now,” Johnson says. “But that’s why you should remind them that they matter, that they are heard, that they are seen, and that they deserve your attention, too.”
“You can do and be anything you want.”
A lot of the issues surrounding “eldest daughter syndrome” feel tied to gender roles, Johnson says, so making sure your daughter knows that she doesn’t have to be the one managing the household or raising her siblings just because she’s the oldest daughter is huge. “Oldest sons may feel some level of responsibility, too, but since we always sort of talk about how the eldest daughter is the one in charge, even if she has a big brother, it’s important to make sure she knows her worth is not tied up in that,” she adds.
“I love you for who you are.”
Again, for a lot of eldest daughters, there’s a lot of responsibility tied up in their day-to-day lives. Depending on the ages, they might be the sibling who always has to help a little sibling with their chore, drive them to practice, or get them snacks while their parents are busy. You can say, “I love you” all day long, but Johnson recommends adding the quantifier “for who you are” so they feel even more seen, heard, and loved.
Hopefully one or all four of these sayings will help your eldest daughter feel a little more relaxed. I hope she knows she’s loved and cared for and worthy, even if you do need her help bringing the groceries inside.
And I hope my girl knows it, too.
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